Message In A Bottle

"Shame! Shame! Go away...." has been a recurring theme in my thoughts lately. Such a powerful emotion. I've recently been having chats with friends about their experiences of shame and noticing how controlling and power grabbing it is. There is such an undeniable curling in that happens. Its as though all of my insides turn to thick gelatinous lumps as a waves of heat waft up from my chest and enveloping my face. There is a slippery, slinky feeling as I feel myself gathering in my tender shoots and then a door slams and I begin to shut down, hunker down and wait it out.

This response always takes me off-guard and has taken the luster off many moments of joy and excitement. The deep messages about not getting "too" anything - "too big for my britches". "Too intellectual" , "too serious", "too fat", "too excited" leave me breathless with following the rules for a middle of the road existence. There are times when following the rules of "too" leave me feeling like a cast-away in my own life. I wonder how many more of us there are marooned in our middle-of-the-road desert islands awaiting a message in a bottle to reassure us that we are not alone. This is my message in a bottle.

Shame is such an automatic reflex that I don't have to wait for anyone to "do it" to me - I'm quite capable in that department all on my own! I see it now as a safety net it once was. If I got there first, maybe the sting wouldn't be quite so penetrating. If I got there first with a self-deprecating laugh that only showed a tinge of the deep self-loathing that I carried, it was an apology to those committed to a middle-of-the road lifestyle.

Without shame I would be able to soar to great heights or crash spectacularly, and either would be fine because I am clear that at my core - I am okay. Shame is really about fear. Fear of judgment, of reprisals of some sort - most often of being rejected and abandoned by the people we care about. How ironic that in the process of managing our shame, we reject ourselves and abandon our potential in exchange for acceptance.

Even more ironic - those who are closest to us can see and sense us for who we really are. Is really difficult to keep ourselves hidden. Its kind of like calling a Bengal tiger a house cat and having everyone stick by the story. Crazy-making! The fable of the Emperor's New Clothes comes to mind!

So what is the antidote to shame? I wish I knew! I think that its seeds lie in the realization that I am safe and the world is a safe place to be. I've heard it said that "safety is an inside job" and I heartily agree. Look at the many who have survived horrific events and go on. Victor Frankel, the famed holocaust survivor and psychiatrist had many lessons to share with the world based on his discovery that we ultimately have the power of choice - no matter what the external circumstances are - we can still choose our response. We never have to forfeit the rights to our internal world.

I also believe that our choices are always intelligent in some way. They serve some purpose. If they feel limiting then perhaps its time to re-consider those choices rather than allowing them to run on auto-pilot. My choice to feel ashamed about my weight and size are deeply rooted in the past. What I keep forgetting is who I am now is not who I was those many years ago when I learned to be ashamed of my body. What I am creating right now, is based on all the beliefs I acquired about my weight and how holding onto those particular beliefs somehow served a purpose that contributed to my sense of safety.

And here, my friends, is the ultimate act of creativity - to create a new belief that is of my own choosing that says, no matter what, I am okay as I am. I can never be "too" anything. That said, I have a feeling it will be my ticket off this desert island!